I made it through junior year.  I made it through spring semester of junior year with the best semester GPA I’ve ever had.  The semester was difficult and often pretty awful and it feels great to be done and even better to have finished well.  I’ve been home in Vegas since Saturday night and since being home I’ve spent time with family and a night with someone I’m really glad I’m friends with now.  I also got to throw a disc around last night and my knee is doing well enough I can finally actually throw.  I should be getting to see my best friend tonight. I’m off to Penn next Saturday where I’ll be doing paid research for 10 weeks.  Once I get a new laptop in the next week or so, I’ll be back to actually using tumblr and will probably take the time to elaborate on all of these things, but for now I just wanted to say all of this.  The semester is over, the summer is off to a good start, and for the first time in a while everything is actually feeling okay.

  7:44 pm  |   May 21 2013   |  9 notes  

It started off with just being behind on work.  Then I had to deal with an unjustified parking ticket from a tournament van.  Then my computer broke and I lost a bunch of the work that I was supposed to turn in this week.  Then my friend’s brother was killed in a car crash (this being the second person in the past six months that I’ve known who has died in a car accident).  And I’m so done and numb to everything right now that I can sit here and type all of this as just a fact.  I’ve cried so much this week that I actually can’t be sad anymore.  I just have a desperate desire for the last two weeks of this school year to be over.  I hate being around people and pretending I’m okay.  I hate being alone in my room without Netflix to keep my mind from racing so I can fall asleep.  And I’m starting to feel bad about how unhappy I always am around the boy I spend all my time with here.  He says it’s fine and that he likes the time we spend together, but I still always feel guilty.    I need my best friend to actually be with me—because the 1.5 hour phone conversations don’t help as much as they usually do.  I just want to go home.  I need less things around me requiring my attention.  I need to be somewhere comfortable and familiar.  I need something (really, I’ll take anything) to start getting better.

  10:14 pm  |   May 4 2013   |  2 notes  

We were leaving the library to go get lunch, and all he could talk about was the fact that the weather was awesome.  Happiness exuding from every ounce of his being, he literally started dancing down the path in front of me while praising the quality of the sunshine.  He stopped and waited for me once he was a few feet ahead, and as he fell back into step with me as I caught up to him he said, “So I think we’ve reached that point…”

“And what point is that?”

“The point where I am completely comfortable around you.”

If it weren’t for the fact that I’m recovering from an ACL tear I probably would have started dancing myself, but hopefully my uncontrollable smiling was a good enough response.

  10:52 pm  |   April 27 2013   |  1 note  

“You know…I kind of like hanging out with you.”  

His words caught me off-guard.  They shouldn’t have, but they did.  We were supposed to get together to do homework tonight, but instead we just hung out.  Listened to music, watched a couple episodes of Scrubs, tossed a frisbee back and forth while talking about life, looked up facts about left-handed people (which gave me brand new material for making fun of him).  It was really nice.  I kept hoping I wasn’t wasting his time.  So when he said those words as he hugged me goodnight, it was exactly what I needed to hear.  Maybe that’s why he said it—because he’s already learned how important reassurance is to me.  Or maybe he did just say it because he wanted to share what he was thinking.  Either way, he’s a really great friend for it.  And before our hug was even over I promised myself that I’m going to try to stop doubting this new-found friendship.

“Only kind of?” I said (mostly) jokingly.

“Yeah. (haha). No…I really like it when we hang out.”

  1:02 am  |   April 27 2013   |  5 notes  

We spent three hours in the library together today.  Sitting next to each other but at different tables so both of us could have our laptops plugged in.  It meant a lot less looking up and smiling/making faces at each other, but maybe that was for the best since we both needed to get work done.  For three hours we were quietly sitting next to each other and occasionally asking each other questions about the homework we were working on.  After spending the least amount of time together this week than we have since we’ve become friends, it was nice just to have him sitting next to me.  It wasn’t the most quality way to spend time together, but I was glad to have it.  I wasn’t expecting any more from him.  So when we had to quickly meet up this evening so I could grab a notebook from him, it was so nice to hear him say “we need to hang out some time soon.”  

  12:24 am  |   April 26 2013   |  3 notes